Retreat and Advance

In college, I learned about this study: a large group of people took a personality test.  After they received their individual results, they rated the accuracy of the findings.  The test received very high ratings.  What the diverse participants did not know was that all of them received the same personality analysis.  Basically, they were all told, “To others, you appear more confident than you actually are.”

 I also would have rated that assessment highly, particularly if I had received it in my early teens.  Everyone seemed to be jockeying for acceptance and status.  Beneath the surface of peer interactions was an undercurrent of self-conscious worry.  Songwriter Joni Mitchell said it well: “I watch for judgment anxiously.” Part of myself was out there. Part was hidden, vulnerable, in retreat.

 During high school, I experienced a different kind of retreat, with a youth group.  This was in the early 70’s. Sensitivity training was highly popular.  The adults organized an activity to foster honest communication.  We teens sat in small groups, at round tables.  Each listened quietly while the others, one by one, described their perceptions of us. 

 While I spoke my heartfelt affirmations to others, my inner self trembled. The groundrule of honesty would prevail over politeness, so my peers were bound to inform me of my deficits. 

 Now it was my turn to receive.  My self-doubt was so strong, I truly was surprised to hear positive messages.  Apparently, I had strengths!  Then this statement turned my world upside-down: “But you are so insecure!”

 Turned my world right side-up, I should say.  
Suddenly, 
Powerfully, 
Clearly 
I saw 
                          My internal world, not the external world, was holding me back. 






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